Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am spending my child support on dildos
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I AM VODKA MAN
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Randomize
