i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
