True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is the high leading the old right now
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
