I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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