I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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