i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no you cant smoke seaweed
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
