I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
