I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
