I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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