it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
