And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I die, sorry about rent.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
