seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize