you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
