i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
