Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
