kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
