I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
