just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
