Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
