so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Randomize
