so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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