i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
