How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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