More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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