$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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