All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
