just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
