I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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