two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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