Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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