i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
