this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
