i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
