i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize