Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
