saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Damn victory sex feels great
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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