If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
