Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
