you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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