He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
