I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
