She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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