she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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