Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
