Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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