Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
