im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
