too bad you live with your parents still
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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