I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
