If that was your dad, he is hot
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
