You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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