its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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