I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize