It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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