its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
