my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
