dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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