Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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